I miss you, Mom

Time is such a tricky thing! It seems like tomorrow ... pay day ... spring ... will never get here. Then again, it seems like just yesterday that I was in high school ... that Morgan was born ... that Mom died.

I was looking for a quote ... something that I knew I had written about in my ramblings at some point, so I started searching through them - and realized that I really needed to hear some of those little tidbits. The last 'rambling' that I wrote was last February - shortly after mom came home from the hospital on hospice care. I was so frustrated ... so lost and so alone. For the first time (although I always knew the day would come) I felt the full force of panic of an only child. Feeling the weight of caring for a dying parent - physically, emotionally and mentally - by myself.

Three months after that, May 16, 2010, mom went home to be with Jesus. (hold on while I get my tissues ... ok ...) Six months later ... I now realize that the loss and loneliness I felt when I wrote that rambling last February - was a drop in the bucket to what was to come. There are many stories and lessons ... and I'll share them ... but not today.

As the Christmas season nears, I'm getting a taste of the tears that I know will come ... and just how much I'll need to make myself remember these little tidbits ... and how much I need to share them. If not to give you a little lift, or something to think about, then to make myself think and feel when I really just want to crawl up under a rock until January!

Mom and I didn't have the perfect mother/daughter relationship. We had our ups and downs through the years. I was always a 'daddy's girl' ... and I guess that in itself created its own hurdles in our relationship. But she's my mom ... and I love her. I miss her now more than I ever thought I would. Yea, I knew there would be loss ... I knew I'd miss yard saling in the summer, never having to pick up a cup that wasn't where it should be, and just having my mom around to talk to. I never dreamed I'd miss being told to take the trash out ... or 'Sheeeelllll ... can you fix me some ice cream?!?!" I never thought of the little things I'd miss ... and although if you put is in the same room together and we'd argue about something - the phone calls on the way home from work, and the conversations we had when she was in Arizona a few years ago ... I'd give anything to have again. I'd leave work and call mom on the way home ... we'd talk about 'stuff' and laugh and make plans and figure things out. Then (and it's only a 15 minute drive if you catch all the lights red) I'd get home and the fussing would beign. I knew I'd miss the phone calls (just not as much as I do) ... I was surprised to miss the fussing!

I started getting Christmas stuff out this past weekend - and as my mind shifted to the holiday season, I thought about the loneliness that Jesus felt. I thought about the loss that the disciples felt when Jesus died. I realized, that because of that loneliness that he felt ... because of the loss that the disciples endured - I don't have to. I do ... because I'm here and mom's not and I miss her... but I don't have to. I know that one day I'm going to see her again. I know that she's smiling down on me ... and I know that although it seems like that day might never happen - one day it will seem like just yesterday. I wonder if they have yard sales in Heaven??

I'm not making any promises ... but stay tuned ... I'll fill you in on some of the lessons I've learned this year ... like just how perfect God's timing can be. Some of the oddest places to find a little patience ... and something that I've been working on for some time - and just haven't gotten the hang of it yet. I'm gonna have a class on it one day ... "How to say the word 'no'". It is pronounced N ... O ... not nooooookay! There is no 'k' at the end of the word 'no'! Well, maybe I'll start that class next year!

For now, bundle up ... stay warm ... and tell somebody that you love them!

Michele

I would notice if you fell off the face of the earth!

I know … without a doubt … that if I turn my worries over to God, He will take care of them. So, why is it so difficult to actually let things go and let Him take care of it? Do I think I can do a better job than God can?? Certainly not … yet I insist on not ‘bothering’ Him with silly nonsense like finding time to put gas in my car!

The past few months have been very difficult. Mom came home from the hospital on December 13th on hospice care. She’s stable, now, but the stress (on her, Morgan and me) of having round-the-clock care has taken its toll on all of us. We have an aide that is at the house during the day so I can still go to work. Beyond that, we’re pretty much on our own. I went from having something on the calendar at least 4 out of 7 nights a week (church on Sunday morning, Breakout Sunday evening, volunteer at bingo on Saturday, nursery on Wednesday, meetings …) to nothing. Talk about putting the brakes on … I went from over-scheduled to lost and lonely in the time it took me to send out an e-mail saying I’d be out of commission for a while.

A few folks asked what they could do to help, and I don’t know that I had an answer. Every day is taken minute by minute, hour by hour. The only concrete things I knew I needed were time to put gas in my car and food in the pantry. I really didn’t know what I needed (other than those handsome men with the nice white jackets to come and take me away)!

So – I muddle through, making it all work somehow. I just did what I needed to do and moved on. Then there comes a point where it just gets harder. There’s no more really to do than there was a week ago, but it’s just harder. Everyone is a little crankier, a little more defensive and a little more alone. Imagine ‘cabin fever’ on steroids!

One night I sat in my room wondering where I was going to get the money to get what I needed, the time to do it – even if I had the money, and if there was any one person that would notice if I just fell off the face of the earth. I know full well that the loneliness I have would be only a drop in the bucket to what Morgan would feel if I weren’t here – and I would suffer through hell and back to spare her a minute of it. But, Jesus … if you’re gonna come back – now would be a REALLY good time … and I told Him that! I told him that I just couldn’t take it anymore – and God, you need to fix it!

And so, He did.

The next day – off to work I go. I got a phone call from my tax lady – and because she could consider my construction nightmare ‘theft’, I was able to get a bit more back on my taxes than I had expected. To be more exact, I was able to get pretty much to the penny what I was needing to keep my head above water. And God says “money … check”

Then, speaking of water, there was a water main break in our building. For all of you who work in the James Monroe Building … you are welcome! The building closed at 10 am!! And God says “Time … check”

I got home just before Morgan got home from school and the doorbell rang. Now, I’m never home that time of day – who could that be? I opened the door and heard ‘Hey, how’s your mom … we hadn’t seen you for a while on Saturday nights and thought I’d stop by to check on you and make sure you were ok’.

A couple days later, I got the icing on the cake … the last thing I prayed for – and the one thing I needed more than anything … just three little words – “I’ve missed you!” You know who you are … you told me I could write just for you – and so I am. Thank you for noticing that I was missing!

Everyone is going through ‘something’. I’m not the only one. I never knew what I could do for my friends … the one whose dad just died …or husband got laid off … or lost their house… or battling illnesses in the family …or

Now I know. I know what I need. I know what to say…

“I’ve missed you” and “I would notice if you fell off the face of the earth”.

Happy New Year

I am attempting to start a new habit this year. I am committing to walk at least 3 days a week at lunchtime. So, on Monday, I began walking this loop in our building and about 10 minutes in – I was bored and wanted to stop. I was not worn out or tired from walking … I was just bored.

Determined to not give up on the very first day - I began thinking about things. Grocery lists, to do lists and all the other things I needed to do started filling my head. So, now I’m bored and overwhelmed! This isn’t starting out well!

Then I thought … ooohh… Morgan got an Ipod for Christmas! I can tell her she can’t take it to school and then I can use it for my walks at lunch!! Then it occurred to me … why is it that we require constant stimulation? Why can’t we just clear our heads and be quiet. Even during my ‘quiet time’ in the morning – I’m reading, writing and praying.

There isn’t a minute during the day … or night … when I am truly still. The Bible says ‘be still and know that I am God’ yet, we’re constantly on the go. Maybe that’s why we don’t hear God as often as we should. Maybe that’s why I keep praying – but nothing seems to happen. Perhaps if I stopped and listened, I’d hear what God has to say.

I amended my commitment and invited God to join me on my lunchtime walks. Although my feet aren’t still, I try very hard to make sure that my mind and heart are. It’s hard! My mind wanders, people distract me, I keep checking the time … it’s definitely a work in progress. Perhaps by the end of the year, my lunchtime walks will improve much more than just my heart rate.

My 4 year old Christmas

It was quite a few years ago, on a very cold Christmas Eve night. I was four years old, at best. As I walked into the sanctuary of our small-town church, trying to keep my wings on straight, I saw a scene that I had heard about in the weeks prior. There was a bright star hanging on the curtain - sheep and cattle placed around a tiny manger where a baby would soon lay. I remember being cold, and excited, and afraid. Perhaps that was how the Shepherds felt when they saw an angel appear before them.

I'm sure that my parents told me not to be afraid ... that I would do just fine in the Christmas pagent. I'm sure they hugged me, comforted me and wrapped me warmly on that cold night. I know they did - not because I remember - but because that is the very same thing I did for my daughter. And it is the very same thing that God did when his Son was born. He sent comfort and warmth and love. He sent a bright and shining star to interrupt the cold darkness. He sent angels to calm the fears and to praise the birth of His son.

Isn't it comforting to know that God never changes? He still hears our praises, calms our fears and provides the light in the midst of the darkness we encounter. It may not be in the form of angels from Heaven - it may be a hug from a mother; a kind word from a friend; or a smile from a stranger on the street ... but God's love for us is always present. When our hearts are turned towards God, He will always calm our fears.

Gracious Father, help us to remember the birth of your Son ... a light in the darkness to guide us to you. Hear our praises, oh Lord, as we rejoice in knowing that you hear us as clearly as the Shepherds who praised you so long ago. Guide us, Lord, through this Christmas season. Help us to slow down and remember that You have already given the greatest gift. No gift we purchase, no dinner we cook, no card we write can compare to the gift of Eternal Life that you have given us through your son, Jesus Christ. May each gift we give, each meal we serve and each card we send allow us to reflect your light into the hearts of those we meet. -Amen

One More Day

I wrote this two days ago ... the day before Morgan's birthday...

Morgan was so excited this morning … she came running down the stairs ‘tomorrow is my birthday!’ “I know”, I told her.

And then I thought … thirteen years ago at that moment, I didn’t know. I’d been in the hospital for almost a week waiting. One more day. One more day. One more day. The goal was to find that moment where keeping my blood pressure down and giving Morgan more time for her lungs to develop collided. That moment would come the next evening.

This year, I made that comment as well – but for a very different reason. This year, mom is very sick, her emphazema is worse, and although I don’t have the rule book, we keep looking for ‘one more day’.

What a difference one more day can make. Thirteen years ago, ‘one more day’ put the most wonderful gift God could give in my arms. One more day brought the welcome sound of screaming lungs from a tiny little baby … a baby we weren’t sure had lungs strong enough to survive. How ironic that today we wait one more day hoping that a very different set of lungs is strong enough to survive one more day.

We all assume that we have one more day. One day we’ll be wrong. Quite often we say ‘I’ll do it tomorrow, or I’ll tell them tomorrow.’ Make sure … especially through this Christmas season … that you say what you need to - and do what you need to … today. As you go about the Christmas season, make sure that you are living your life in such a way that when there isn’t ‘one more day’, there will be no regrets.

We know that Jesus is coming back ‘one day’. We assume that it isn’t today. One day, we’ll be wrong about that, too!

Countdown to Christmas

Well, here we are – December is here – and you know what that means?!!? The countdown to Christmas begins!

I wonder what Mary was thinking on this day, two thousand years ago. There was no ‘countdown’ yet. I wonder if she sat with her hand on her belly thinking ‘just one more month.’ I wonder if she realized just how special this baby would be.

There was a quote in the movie The Nativity Story – Mary said “I wonder when it will happen, I wonder when he will be more than just a child”. I know that before Morgan was born, I dreamed of what she would be like – what color her hair would be, would she be tall, what her passions would be, what would she want to do with her life – her dreams and her thoughts; and what kind of impact she will have on the world. I would talk to her and tell her how much I loved her – even before I laid my eyes on her.

I wonder what Mary whispered to her baby; what she dreamed about for him. I wonder what kind of impact she thought he would have on this world!

As you rush through the malls, the grocery store, e-bay and prepare for Christmas this year, stop and think about what Mary was doing to prepare for this day. I’m pretty sure that it wasn’t thawing a turkey and fighting the crowds at Toys-R-Us!

Take time to think about that last month before your child was born. Think about what you and your family were like – what you did and thought, what you dreamed about and prayed about as you counted down those last days before your child entered the world. Remember what those whispers were, what those prayers were; that feeling of hope that your baby would bring into your lives. Remember the anticipation, the excitement and the fear as you counted down the days before you would hold your baby in your arms. Relive those memories – and share that with your child.

God gave us three things – faith, hope and love. I don’t think I ever felt that so strongly as the day my daughter was born. I remember looking at her for the first time – so tiny; so perfect; so innocent – it took my breath away. If I was so overwhelmed by the hope and love that my baby brought into my life – I can only imagine what Mary felt like when she first saw her baby!

One Day at a time means Thanksgiving comes before Christmas!!

Have you gone absolutely crazy yet?!?! I think I have!

Scripture says to worry not about tomorrow, for it will have worries of its own. We should take each day as it comes and enjoy what that day has to offer. So, why is it that Christmas is everywhere and we haven’t even celebrated Thanksgiving?!?! If we are to take one day at a time … shouldn’t we celebrate one holiday at a time!

Thanksgiving is a time of giving thanks … of reflecting on what we have, where we are and those that are important in our lives. I believe it deserves our attention before we begin the mad rush to Christmas … which is a topic of another discussion in itself!

We have so much to be thankful for. But … you say, ‘Michele, you don’t know what I have on my plate.’ You are correct … I don’t know. But I do know that you have plenty to be thankful for. You have a Lord and Savior that loves you. He loves you so much that he suffered a painful death on the cross because He loves you and wanted to be sure that you have a home in Heaven.

I know families that have lost loved ones this year … have lost jobs … have lost their homes. My prayers go out to you every day. On this day … this Thanksgiving week … take a moment to think about those things that keep you going … those people in your life that make you smile. Even though there are a ton of things to do and a million things on your mind - s l o w d o w n !! Enjoy this time - enjoy this day – enjoy the folks in your life. Enjoy some turkey and a nap. Enjoy the game. But most importantly, enjoy time thanking God for all of the people, things and memories that you have to be thankful for!

Have a wonderful and safe Thanksgiving!!