Time is such a tricky thing! It seems like tomorrow ... pay day ... spring ... will never get here. Then again, it seems like just yesterday that I was in high school ... that Morgan was born ... that Mom died.
I was looking for a quote ... something that I knew I had written about in my ramblings at some point, so I started searching through them - and realized that I really needed to hear some of those little tidbits. The last 'rambling' that I wrote was last February - shortly after mom came home from the hospital on hospice care. I was so frustrated ... so lost and so alone. For the first time (although I always knew the day would come) I felt the full force of panic of an only child. Feeling the weight of caring for a dying parent - physically, emotionally and mentally - by myself.
Three months after that, May 16, 2010, mom went home to be with Jesus. (hold on while I get my tissues ... ok ...) Six months later ... I now realize that the loss and loneliness I felt when I wrote that rambling last February - was a drop in the bucket to what was to come. There are many stories and lessons ... and I'll share them ... but not today.
As the Christmas season nears, I'm getting a taste of the tears that I know will come ... and just how much I'll need to make myself remember these little tidbits ... and how much I need to share them. If not to give you a little lift, or something to think about, then to make myself think and feel when I really just want to crawl up under a rock until January!
Mom and I didn't have the perfect mother/daughter relationship. We had our ups and downs through the years. I was always a 'daddy's girl' ... and I guess that in itself created its own hurdles in our relationship. But she's my mom ... and I love her. I miss her now more than I ever thought I would. Yea, I knew there would be loss ... I knew I'd miss yard saling in the summer, never having to pick up a cup that wasn't where it should be, and just having my mom around to talk to. I never dreamed I'd miss being told to take the trash out ... or 'Sheeeelllll ... can you fix me some ice cream?!?!" I never thought of the little things I'd miss ... and although if you put is in the same room together and we'd argue about something - the phone calls on the way home from work, and the conversations we had when she was in Arizona a few years ago ... I'd give anything to have again. I'd leave work and call mom on the way home ... we'd talk about 'stuff' and laugh and make plans and figure things out. Then (and it's only a 15 minute drive if you catch all the lights red) I'd get home and the fussing would beign. I knew I'd miss the phone calls (just not as much as I do) ... I was surprised to miss the fussing!
I started getting Christmas stuff out this past weekend - and as my mind shifted to the holiday season, I thought about the loneliness that Jesus felt. I thought about the loss that the disciples felt when Jesus died. I realized, that because of that loneliness that he felt ... because of the loss that the disciples endured - I don't have to. I do ... because I'm here and mom's not and I miss her... but I don't have to. I know that one day I'm going to see her again. I know that she's smiling down on me ... and I know that although it seems like that day might never happen - one day it will seem like just yesterday. I wonder if they have yard sales in Heaven??
I'm not making any promises ... but stay tuned ... I'll fill you in on some of the lessons I've learned this year ... like just how perfect God's timing can be. Some of the oddest places to find a little patience ... and something that I've been working on for some time - and just haven't gotten the hang of it yet. I'm gonna have a class on it one day ... "How to say the word 'no'". It is pronounced N ... O ... not nooooookay! There is no 'k' at the end of the word 'no'! Well, maybe I'll start that class next year!
For now, bundle up ... stay warm ... and tell somebody that you love them!
Michele
