Be careful what you pray for!

God has such perfect timing – and a great sense of humor! Dad and his wife were planning on visiting for Christmas. The plan was (or so I thought) to arrive at my house from Texas ‘by Friday’. So, I took off from work on Tuesday and had a plan! I was going to get Morgan’s birthday cake made, clean the house up a bit, make sure their room was ready and do a little shopping.

The first kink in my plan came when Morgan came home from school with a stomach bug. But that’s ok – I confined her to her room and threatened her within an inch of her life if she came downstairs! So, I called dad. ‘How’s the trip coming along … how far have you gotten?’ The last time I’d talked to him, they were in Louisiana. ‘Oh, pretty good’ he said. ‘When do you think you’ll be here’ I asked; thinking ‘By Friday means Thursday … maybe Wednesday night. ‘Oh, about 4 hours … we just crossed into North Carolina!’ WHAT?!?!!? Tuesday is NOT ‘by Friday’. Tuesday is ‘by Wednesday’!!

So, I called in some reinforcements! And I called on God. ‘Good, Lord’ I said, ‘I’m not ready … I need a little more time’. I didn’t have time to get Morgan’s cake done and get their room ready in the few hours it would take them to get here.

Now, one thing I know. If mom is in Heaven and can give me anything … she’d give me a chance to clean something!! About an hour later, I got a call from dad … the truck was over heating, and they were going to the dealership to have it looked at. Perfect! That little ‘inconvenience’ gave me a few more hours to get everything done and ready for them when they walked in the door that night! Thanks, mom … but really, you didn’t have to break dad’s truck!

God knows what He is doing, and it will always be right on time. It doesn’t matter what we do … we can leave early, leave late, get stuck or break down – and we will always be there right when God wants us there. Sometimes we might be in the truck that breaks; sometimes we might be the one needing more time. Sometimes we might just be the car dealer – but we are all a part of his plan. God does have a plan for you – trust it!

To Everything there is a Season

As the chilly fall weather grips us, I’m already looking forward to spring! I’m not much of a winter person. If I had it my way, I would have 4 months of spring, 3 months of summer, 4 months of fall and 1 month of winter. And during the month of winter, it would have to snow – there’s no sense being that cold without snow!

That’s sort of like what we wish for in our own lives. We’d love for our kids to stay children as long as they can – they grow up way too fast. We could speed up adolescence just a bit, though – for everyone’s sanity! The next few decades can cruise by at a slow and leisurely pace. As ‘old age’ creeps in – whether it’s at 60 years old or 100 years old – we don’t want to linger long without the freedoms that our more youthful bodies allowed for.

But God has his own plans – and they are custom made for each one of us. Some ‘children’ I know are more grown up than some ‘adults’ that I know. There are some folks that are 90 years old that are more active and act younger than some 60 year olds that I know. Sometimes I think my dad and my daughter are the same age! It’s all relative – age is just a number. The seasons of our lives that God has prepared for us have no bearing on the number of years we’ve lived, yet that number is so important to us.

When we’re young, we want to be older – when we get older; we want to be young again. At one point, I thought that if mom and I were ever asked our age, I’d be older than she was! Too bad we can’t identify our ‘age’ by seasons. ‘I’m in the beginning of my fall season.’ Besides Noah lived to be 950 – and started a major construction project at 480 years old!

Why is it that we put so much emphasis on our age? Why does society think that 16 is appropriate to drive a car, that 18 is appropriate to go to war, and everyone should retire at 65. And don’t even get me started on why they think that PG-13 movies are appropriate for a 13 year old!!

Last week, I turned 40. Next week, Morgan will be 14. That is significant for so many reasons! I didn’t hide under the covers; avoiding that dreaded number … it was a great day! And although Morgan claims to be a whole year older, we’re just a day older than we were yesterday! The number ‘4’ has a very special place in our family. It’s a long story … so I’ll save it for next week, but we know that it’s Mom’s way of letting us know that she’s okay!

In Ecclesiastes, God said that ‘To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under the sun’. I don’t recall there being any reference to a number. So I think … when someone asks me how old I am, I think I’ll tell them ‘I’m early fall!”

I miss you, Mom

Time is such a tricky thing! It seems like tomorrow ... pay day ... spring ... will never get here. Then again, it seems like just yesterday that I was in high school ... that Morgan was born ... that Mom died.

I was looking for a quote ... something that I knew I had written about in my ramblings at some point, so I started searching through them - and realized that I really needed to hear some of those little tidbits. The last 'rambling' that I wrote was last February - shortly after mom came home from the hospital on hospice care. I was so frustrated ... so lost and so alone. For the first time (although I always knew the day would come) I felt the full force of panic of an only child. Feeling the weight of caring for a dying parent - physically, emotionally and mentally - by myself.

Three months after that, May 16, 2010, mom went home to be with Jesus. (hold on while I get my tissues ... ok ...) Six months later ... I now realize that the loss and loneliness I felt when I wrote that rambling last February - was a drop in the bucket to what was to come. There are many stories and lessons ... and I'll share them ... but not today.

As the Christmas season nears, I'm getting a taste of the tears that I know will come ... and just how much I'll need to make myself remember these little tidbits ... and how much I need to share them. If not to give you a little lift, or something to think about, then to make myself think and feel when I really just want to crawl up under a rock until January!

Mom and I didn't have the perfect mother/daughter relationship. We had our ups and downs through the years. I was always a 'daddy's girl' ... and I guess that in itself created its own hurdles in our relationship. But she's my mom ... and I love her. I miss her now more than I ever thought I would. Yea, I knew there would be loss ... I knew I'd miss yard saling in the summer, never having to pick up a cup that wasn't where it should be, and just having my mom around to talk to. I never dreamed I'd miss being told to take the trash out ... or 'Sheeeelllll ... can you fix me some ice cream?!?!" I never thought of the little things I'd miss ... and although if you put is in the same room together and we'd argue about something - the phone calls on the way home from work, and the conversations we had when she was in Arizona a few years ago ... I'd give anything to have again. I'd leave work and call mom on the way home ... we'd talk about 'stuff' and laugh and make plans and figure things out. Then (and it's only a 15 minute drive if you catch all the lights red) I'd get home and the fussing would beign. I knew I'd miss the phone calls (just not as much as I do) ... I was surprised to miss the fussing!

I started getting Christmas stuff out this past weekend - and as my mind shifted to the holiday season, I thought about the loneliness that Jesus felt. I thought about the loss that the disciples felt when Jesus died. I realized, that because of that loneliness that he felt ... because of the loss that the disciples endured - I don't have to. I do ... because I'm here and mom's not and I miss her... but I don't have to. I know that one day I'm going to see her again. I know that she's smiling down on me ... and I know that although it seems like that day might never happen - one day it will seem like just yesterday. I wonder if they have yard sales in Heaven??

I'm not making any promises ... but stay tuned ... I'll fill you in on some of the lessons I've learned this year ... like just how perfect God's timing can be. Some of the oddest places to find a little patience ... and something that I've been working on for some time - and just haven't gotten the hang of it yet. I'm gonna have a class on it one day ... "How to say the word 'no'". It is pronounced N ... O ... not nooooookay! There is no 'k' at the end of the word 'no'! Well, maybe I'll start that class next year!

For now, bundle up ... stay warm ... and tell somebody that you love them!

Michele

I would notice if you fell off the face of the earth!

I know … without a doubt … that if I turn my worries over to God, He will take care of them. So, why is it so difficult to actually let things go and let Him take care of it? Do I think I can do a better job than God can?? Certainly not … yet I insist on not ‘bothering’ Him with silly nonsense like finding time to put gas in my car!

The past few months have been very difficult. Mom came home from the hospital on December 13th on hospice care. She’s stable, now, but the stress (on her, Morgan and me) of having round-the-clock care has taken its toll on all of us. We have an aide that is at the house during the day so I can still go to work. Beyond that, we’re pretty much on our own. I went from having something on the calendar at least 4 out of 7 nights a week (church on Sunday morning, Breakout Sunday evening, volunteer at bingo on Saturday, nursery on Wednesday, meetings …) to nothing. Talk about putting the brakes on … I went from over-scheduled to lost and lonely in the time it took me to send out an e-mail saying I’d be out of commission for a while.

A few folks asked what they could do to help, and I don’t know that I had an answer. Every day is taken minute by minute, hour by hour. The only concrete things I knew I needed were time to put gas in my car and food in the pantry. I really didn’t know what I needed (other than those handsome men with the nice white jackets to come and take me away)!

So – I muddle through, making it all work somehow. I just did what I needed to do and moved on. Then there comes a point where it just gets harder. There’s no more really to do than there was a week ago, but it’s just harder. Everyone is a little crankier, a little more defensive and a little more alone. Imagine ‘cabin fever’ on steroids!

One night I sat in my room wondering where I was going to get the money to get what I needed, the time to do it – even if I had the money, and if there was any one person that would notice if I just fell off the face of the earth. I know full well that the loneliness I have would be only a drop in the bucket to what Morgan would feel if I weren’t here – and I would suffer through hell and back to spare her a minute of it. But, Jesus … if you’re gonna come back – now would be a REALLY good time … and I told Him that! I told him that I just couldn’t take it anymore – and God, you need to fix it!

And so, He did.

The next day – off to work I go. I got a phone call from my tax lady – and because she could consider my construction nightmare ‘theft’, I was able to get a bit more back on my taxes than I had expected. To be more exact, I was able to get pretty much to the penny what I was needing to keep my head above water. And God says “money … check”

Then, speaking of water, there was a water main break in our building. For all of you who work in the James Monroe Building … you are welcome! The building closed at 10 am!! And God says “Time … check”

I got home just before Morgan got home from school and the doorbell rang. Now, I’m never home that time of day – who could that be? I opened the door and heard ‘Hey, how’s your mom … we hadn’t seen you for a while on Saturday nights and thought I’d stop by to check on you and make sure you were ok’.

A couple days later, I got the icing on the cake … the last thing I prayed for – and the one thing I needed more than anything … just three little words – “I’ve missed you!” You know who you are … you told me I could write just for you – and so I am. Thank you for noticing that I was missing!

Everyone is going through ‘something’. I’m not the only one. I never knew what I could do for my friends … the one whose dad just died …or husband got laid off … or lost their house… or battling illnesses in the family …or

Now I know. I know what I need. I know what to say…

“I’ve missed you” and “I would notice if you fell off the face of the earth”.

Happy New Year

I am attempting to start a new habit this year. I am committing to walk at least 3 days a week at lunchtime. So, on Monday, I began walking this loop in our building and about 10 minutes in – I was bored and wanted to stop. I was not worn out or tired from walking … I was just bored.

Determined to not give up on the very first day - I began thinking about things. Grocery lists, to do lists and all the other things I needed to do started filling my head. So, now I’m bored and overwhelmed! This isn’t starting out well!

Then I thought … ooohh… Morgan got an Ipod for Christmas! I can tell her she can’t take it to school and then I can use it for my walks at lunch!! Then it occurred to me … why is it that we require constant stimulation? Why can’t we just clear our heads and be quiet. Even during my ‘quiet time’ in the morning – I’m reading, writing and praying.

There isn’t a minute during the day … or night … when I am truly still. The Bible says ‘be still and know that I am God’ yet, we’re constantly on the go. Maybe that’s why we don’t hear God as often as we should. Maybe that’s why I keep praying – but nothing seems to happen. Perhaps if I stopped and listened, I’d hear what God has to say.

I amended my commitment and invited God to join me on my lunchtime walks. Although my feet aren’t still, I try very hard to make sure that my mind and heart are. It’s hard! My mind wanders, people distract me, I keep checking the time … it’s definitely a work in progress. Perhaps by the end of the year, my lunchtime walks will improve much more than just my heart rate.